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Friday, February 24, 2006

Top Ten Reasons to Doubt a Family Story

10. It begins, "Years ago, when your mother and I were first abducted by aliens. . ."

9. It involves three brothers who came on the Mayflower's second voyage, had their names changed at Ellis Island, and married Indian princesses.

8. Granddad only tells it after he's washed down a fistful of Vicodin with a quart of Jim Beam.

7. It takes place during the Great Flatulence Pandemic of 1876.

6. Your father sometimes forgets to replace Daniel Boone's name with his own.

5. All the main characters have been depicted on coins.

4. It sounds suspiciously like the plot of Brokeback Mountain.

3. Grandma has to pinch herself while telling it to keep a straight face.

2. You first heard it from James Frey.

1. It ends, ". . . and that's how I invented Velcro."

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