Guest List
Lemuel Dunham — Chris' 3rd-great-grandfather.
Moses Dunham — Chris' 4th-great-grandfather, and father of Lemuel.
Samuel Dunham — Chris' 8th-great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather of Moses.
Deacon John Dunham — The immigrant ancestor, Chris' 9th-great-grandfather, and father of Samuel.
Chris: I'm glad you all could come tonight, what with the weather and all.
Lemuel: Not nearly as cold as 1816. Snow on the ground in June. Never been so cold.
Moses: Lord, what a pansy I raised! Why, when I served in the Continental Army—
Lemuel: There he goes with his "I'm a hero of the Revolution" bit. You know, you're not the only one who fought for his country.
Moses: That's right, I forgot about your days guzzling rum with the boys in the militia.
Lemuel: We saw some action!
Moses: Oh yes, you marched all the way to Portland in 1814 to thwart the British invasion. How did that turn out, Lem?
(Lemuel is silent.)Moses: I'll tell you how it turned out. You spent two weeks marching and swilling liquor and never was a shot fired.
Lemuel (menacingly): Shut your mouth, old man.
Moses: You hear how he talks to me? If I hadn't been crippled in the war I'd have knocked some sense into you long ago. Why don't you tell them about your wife, Lem? Oh, she was a prize. Mother of a bastard and knocked up when you married her.
Lemuel: Don't you talk about my Molly that way! And you don't have to pretend you're crippled. There's no one here from the pension office.
Chris: Guys, please! You're making the other guests nervous!
Deacon John: Don't mind me, I've heard worse. You should have heard the rows we had back in Plymouth. Not a week went by that John and Priscilla Alden weren't throwing punches at each other. Chris, I must tell Abigail about this wonderful food. What do you call it?
Chris: Totino's Pizza Rolls.
Deacon John: Really, you must give her the recipe.
Chris: Sure ... Sam, are you feeling all right?
Samuel: Yes, yes, I must have the flu.
Deacon John: The flu? Are you sure it wasn't the eight beers you had on the ride over?
Samuel: It wasn't eight beers. Seven, maybe.
Deacon John: Yes, there's my pride and joy. All those years I spent as deacon of the Plymouth church, and he goes and gets himself excommunicated for being a drunkard. How do you think that makes me feel?
Samuel: I was never good enough for you!
Deacon John: Truer words were never spoken.
Samuel: Do you know how hard it was to measure up? You were a deacon, for God's sake! I don't know—maybe if you'd come on the Mayflower things would have been different.
Deacon John: I missed the boat! How many times do I have to explain that?
Samuel: Yeah, you missed the boat, all right. You could have been a "Mayflower Pilgrim." You could have been famous.
I could have been famous!
Lemuel: Sam, be cool.
Samuel: Yeah, I'm OK.
Lemuel: Let's get out of here. There must be a bar open.
Samuel: Yeah, let's go.
(Samuel and Lemuel leave.)Chris: Well, it looks like I'm out of pizza rolls.
Deacon John: Sorry.
Chris: No problem. I think I have some waffles in the freezer.
Deacon John (putting on his coat): Don't trouble yourself. I really have to be getting along.
Moses (also preparing to leave): Can I bum a ride?
Deacon John: You bet. So long, Chris!
Chris: Thanks for coming! Come back anyt—
(Door slams.)