Top Ten Ways a Family Historian Can Help the Environment

10. Recycle old family stories by changing the word "still" to "meth lab."

9. Call the funeral director to see if you can carpool to the cemetery.

8. Cancel your subscription and start checking the obituaries in your neighbor's newspaper.

7. Plant a tree in memory of your ancestor who clearcut the redwood forest.

6. Scold your great-grandmother for having had so many children.

5. Slap a bumper sticker on your late grandfather's 1947 Buick Roadmaster that reads "My other car is a Prius."

4. Conserve electricity by turning off the tape recorder whenever your aunt starts rambling on and on about her affair with J. D. Salinger.

3. Remove "Club baby seals" from your family reunion activities list.

2. Replace your coal-powered microfilm reader.

1. Compost Uncle Louie.

[Photo credit: Atlas, it's time for your bath by woodley wonderworks]

Top Ten Worst Ways to Begin a Family History

10. "It was October, 1956. Don Larsen had just thrown the first perfect game in World Series history, President Eisenhower was campaigning for a second term, and somewhere in Manhattan my grandfather was impregnating his sister-in-law."

9. "Down in the constricted, fetid bowels of the steamship, Jacob Horowitz waited to be evacuated."

8. "'Call me Ishmael,' our ancestor Ishmael Johnson might have said if asked 'What should we call you?'"

7. "I have few memories of Sperm Donor 4879."

6. "Let me start by saying this book would have been a whole lot better if my goddamn relatives had answered my goddamn questions."

5. "I set out to find my great-great-grandfather armed only with a tattered obituary and a sturdy shovel."

4. "My father, Mr. Smith, was probably between eighteen and forty-eight years of age when he met his future wife, Mary [--?--]."

3. "The remainder of this book is for Plus Edition subscribers only."

2. "The story of our family begins in a tiny village in northern France—or possibly Ecuador."

1. "In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. Several years later, my grandmother was born in Des Moines."

Top Ten Signs Your Genealogical Society Is in Trouble

10. Average age of members decreases when Abe Vigoda joins.

9. Speaker fees paid with change found under sofa cushions.

8. Motion to replace microfiche readers with Dance Dance Revolution machines passes without objection.

7. Half the books in research library written by Danielle Steel, the rest by Tom Clancy.

6. Board of Directors outsources task of ignoring member complaints to Bangladesh.

5. Fundraising campaign cut short when it's learned cockfighting is illegal.

4. Newsletter published whenever editor earns "computer time" at rehab.

3. President's effort to recruit members online leads to embarrassing episode of To Catch a Predator.

2. Meetings last only as long as the tequila.

1. The other member quits.

Top Ten Worst Items to Bury in a Time Capsule

10. 1957 Plymouth Belvedere

9. Baby panda

8. Key to handcuffs

7. Stool sample

6. IED

5. Ransom note

4. Paris Hilton

3. Foolproof plan for peace in the Middle East

2. Life-size replica of time capsule

1. Directions for finding time capsule

Top Ten Ways to Make Money From Genealogy

10. Hold the identity of your mom's biological father for ransom.

9. Raffle off your unneeded secondary sources.

8. Keep your ancestors' death dates handy when buying Powerball tickets.

7. Sell your DNA to people with less interesting family histories.

6. Write off your trip to the Salt Lake City Family History Massage Parlor as a business expense.

5. Agree to wear a Budweiser t-shirt when you speak at the NGS convention.

4. Volunteer at Random Acts of Genealogical Kindness, then hold out for more money.

3. Publish your family history under the title Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.

2. Make a videotape of you and Paris Hilton "cranking the microfilm," then sell it on the Internet.

1. Run a kissing booth at the family reunion.

Top Ten Signs Santa Is a Genealogist

10. Permitted the Mormons to microfilm his old Naughty/Nice lists.

9. Sole member of the Claus Family Association, North Pole Chapter.

8. Skipped Christmas 2003 because of a GEDCOM crash.

7. White beard hides tattoo of family crest.

6. Has one elf whose only job is checking obituaries.

5. Met the current Mrs. Claus in an AfriGeneas forum.

4. Was caught sneaking down the chimney at the National Archives.

3. Took a DNA sample instead of the cookies you left him.

2. Wouldn't believe he existed until his mother produced a birth certificate.

1. Sold Blitzen to pay his Ancestry.com bill.

[Photo credit: Santa Claus by David Wilmot]

Top Ten Signs Your Ancestors Were Poor

10. Named a child "Coca-Cola" in hopes of sponsorship.

9. Had to sit in the bleachers at the Salem Witch Trials.

8. Always asked the census taker for spare change.

7. Were forced to sell off Uncle Ernie during the Great Depression.

6. Left copious family records, all stamped "Past Due."

5. Had their wedding catered by a soup kitchen.

4. Couldn't afford to change their name from "Dipschitz."

3. Had to give up the family dirt farm when the market for dirt collapsed.

2. Swam behind the ship because tickets in steerage were too pricey.

1. Cardboard tombstones.

Top Ten Signs You're a Redneck Genealogist

10. The banjo kid from Deliverance appears in all your family photos.

9. Your most precious family heirloom is the shotgun used at your grandparents' wedding.

8. You were once kicked out of a Family History Center for spilling beer on the microfiche.

7. Your family history has a foreword by Larry the Cable Guy.

6. You keep the Hatfield and McCoy branches of your family tree in separate file cabinets.

5. Your father's gravestone came with a gun rack and an electronic singing fish.

4. You've spent years puzzling over Bo and Luke Duke's family tree.

3. Your last family reunion was videotaped for later broadcast on Cops.

2. To save time, under "Bride's Parents" on your marriage certificate the clerk wrote "Ditto."

1. Leading cause of death in your family: "Bit by a gator, then taken off by a twister."

Top Ten Internet Abbreviations for Genealogists

10. AFAICTWDAR — As far as I can tell without doing actual research

9. IYKWIM — If you know what "inbreeding" means

8. AMOUFL — As a matter of unfounded family legend

7. SCNRPYI — Sorry, could not resist proving your illegitimacy

6. IMPGHO — In my paternal grandmother's humble opinion

5. NIFOMR — Naked in front of microfilm reader

4. TIABIDITTYA — Thanks in advance because I don't intend to thank you afterwards

3. KMA — Kiss my ahnentafel

2. ROFTBPR — Rolling on the floor transcribing British parish registers

1. BTWYA — By the way, you're adopted

Top Ten Least Useful Ancestry.com Databases

10. MyFamily.com Unconsummated Office Romances, 1999-2005

9. Salvation Army Casualty Records

8. Lakeview Pet Cemetery, Milwaukee, Wisconsin: Hamster Burials

7. California Virgin Births, 1905-1995

6. Illegible Names in the 1841 U.K. Census

5. World War I Draft Registration Cards Left Blank, 1917-18

4. Anonymous Letter-to-the-Editor Collection

3. FAA Unruly Passenger Lists

2. Social Security Impending Death Index

1. Ancestry.com Database Titles, 1997-2006

Top Ten Reasons to Attend the FGS/NEHGS Conference in Boston

10. Attendee with the longest proven pedigree gets to pitch an inning for the Red Sox.

9. Pilgrim-Puritan debate to be settled once and for all by the Rock, Paper, Scissors method.

8. Great Molasses Flood of 1919—Boston's tastiest tragedy—to be re-enacted, with members of New Kids on the Block playing the role of victims.

7. Cliff Clavin to conduct workshop on tracking down elusive postal employees in your family tree, followed by four hours of home movies from his trip to Florida.

6. Sam Adams on tap as the official conference beverage.

5. Boston native Leonard Nimoy to share his expertise in Vulcan paleography.

4. Ancestry.com members offered a discounted registration fee, which will be auto-renewed each month until they cancel or the sun explodes.

3. Ted Williams' thawed head to deliver the keynote address.

2. Massachusetts Bay Charter of 1629 to be given away as a door prize.

1. Hookers along The Freedom Trail required to wear Colonial dress.

Top Ten Signs of Genealogical Insanity

10. Building a bomb shelter to house your clipped obituaries.

9. Giving each of your ancestors a cool nickname and a superhero power.

8. Refusing to inspect your kids' report cards without first donning white gloves.

7. Getting kicked out of the Family History Center for tasting the microfilm.

6. Getting married in your great-grandmother's wedding dress instead of the customary tuxedo.

5. Taking DNA samples from your garden gnomes for genetic testing.

4. Starting every family-history interview with the question, "Mind if I get undressed?"

3. Organizing a family reunion for everyone who shares your first name.

2. Accusing Cyndi of sending you secret messages through her list.

1. Believing that all your ancestors were out to beget you.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Signs Tom Cruise Is a Genealogist

10. So excited about an SSDI update that he jumped up and down on Oprah's couch.

9. Wanted to film Risky Business subway scene with Elizabeth Shown Mills instead of Rebecca De Mornay.

8. Demanded proof that Ron Kovic really was born on the fourth of July.

7. Had nearly finished compiling a 7,000-page Cruise genealogy when his publicist reminded him his real last name is "Mapother."

6. Was spotted at an after-Oscars party transcribing the guest list.

5. Named his baby after his great-great-grandmother—a pointy-nosed Indo-Japanese pickpocket banished from Israel.

4. Shouts "Show me the Mommy!" whenever he's handed a birth certificate.

3. Wrote a Mission Impossible script in which agent Ethan Hunt infiltrates a records vault in Utah.

2. Bought the film rights to the 1930 census.

1. Made Katie convert to Legacy Family Tree.

[Photo Credit: Kevin Ballard (license)]

Top Ten Signs Your Family Coat of Arms is Bogus

10. Came free with your last car wash.

9. Inscribed motto is "Caveat Emptor."

8. Looks just like the one sold to the Vietnamese family next door.

7. Consists of German beer labels glued to an old pizza box.

6. Resembles a Mötley Crüe album cover.

5. Issued by The Royal Heraldry Society of Daytona Beach, Florida.

4. Ordered through an ad in High Times magazine.

3. When displayed on a T-shirt, provokes Scottish people to hurl haggis.

2. Dates back to February.

1. Features a rampant marmoset.

Top Ten Worst Canadian Census Questions

10. "How many elderly members of the household did you set adrift on ice floes in the previous year?"

9. "What was your net income in 2005 from selling fake Viagra to Americans?"

8. "How many Tim Hortons can you see from your kitchen window?"

7. "How many American draft-dodgers could your current dwelling accommodate?"

6. "Do you speak French well enough to pick up a prostitute in Montreal?"

5. "What is your occupation? For example: Professional Hockey Player, Mountie, Baby Seal Clubber."

4. "If born in the United States, have you learned to control your murderous impulses?"

3. "How many hours per week do you spend evading polar bears?"

2. "What ever happened to Gordon Lightfoot?"

1. "Do you not agree to keep none of this information from being made publicly unavailable in 92 years?"

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Family Secrets I'll Never, Ever Reveal

10. Grandmother's occupation in 1930 census was "Embittered housewife."

9. Distant cousin was Donner Party's travel agent.

8. Great-uncle's ashes were accidentally placed in coffeemaker at his funeral.

7. Ancestors emigrated to America to escape persecution as WASPs.

6. Most coveted position on family reunion committee is "Keg Master."

5. Great-grandfather was stationed in his parents' root cellar for duration of World War I.

4. Mother descends from Mary Magdalene and her lesser-known second husband, Bill.

3. Only member of family to go to college came back the same day.

2. More records of relatives subjected to exorcism than to baptism.

1. Leading cause of death: acute impotence.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Signs Your Minister is a Genealogist

10. Only thing he ever prays for is his great-grandmother's maiden name.

9. Believes the Bible expresses the word of God, but wishes it were better sourced.

8. Accepts DNA swabs in the collection plate.

7. Was caught transcribing during your grandfather's graveside service.

6. Won't marry a couple unless they promise to raise their children according to the APG Code of Ethics.

5. Every hymnal has Ancestry.com ads.

4. When he says "forgive us our trespasses," he means sneaking into private graveyards.

3. Leading role in last year's Christmas pageant was the Roman census taker.

2. Says Sixth Commandment is "Thou shalt not reshelve your microfilm."

1. Posts his sermons on GenForum.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Signs Your Child Will Be a Genealogist

10. Checks the newspaper each morning for grandparents' obituaries.

9. Asked if Disneyland has its own Family History Center.

8. Theme of last birthday party was "Ellis Island: The Immigrant Experience."

7. Cried for days when told by a kid at school that the 1890 census doesn't really exist.

6. Kicked out of kindergarten for swabbing the cheeks of little girls.

5. Always asking impertinent questions like "How old are you?" and "Did your maternal grandfather die intestate?"

4. Recorded and transcribed your "birds and the bees" lecture.

3. Reenacts Civil War-era schoolyard fights.

2. Caught rubbing the family stones with a neighborhood boy.

1. First two words were "Mommy" and "GEDCOM."

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Spring Genealogy Projects

10. Mow the family burial ground, being careful to avoid any protruding elbows and knees.

9. Plant a tree in honor of a relative who served in the military. Cut down a tree for each of his reported kills.

8. Throw away any family heirloom that came in a McDonald's Happy Meal.

7. Hang a May basket on the door of the family crypt, and then run and hide.

6. Reach way back in your genealogy files and remove anyone who doesn't smell fresh.

5. Pick up trash along a roadside, and then store it in archival-quality acid-free boxes to be cataloged later.

4. Check the drains in the guest bathroom for DNA samples.

3. Ensure Grandpa's presence at Thanksgiving dinner by scattering his ashes in the vegetable garden.

2. Continue scrubbing the bloodstains from last year's family reunion.

1. Hang your grandmother on the clothesline and beat her with a stick until she comes clean.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Top Ten Signs President Bush is a Genealogist

10. Still looking for BMDs in Iraq.

9. Appointed Cyndi Howells Secretary of Listing Stuff.

8. Once choked on a pretzel while attempting to decipher an 18th-century Pennsylvania Dutch fraktur.

7. Ordered Scooter Libby to leak his GEDCOM file to the press.

6. Joined the Texas Air National Guard because Vietnam lacked good research facilities.

5. Enjoys spending his spare time in cemeteries transcribing inscriptions and registering Republican voters.

4. Has the Secret Service keep a microfilm reader always running nearby, just in case.

3. Banned from the National Archives for peeking at the 1940 census.

2. Still bitter about losing the 2004 election for president of the Bush Family Association to 78-year-old Indiana homemaker Evelyn Bush.

1. Claims the authority to copy anyone else's research without a warrant.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]