Meet the Other White Meat

Stahnsdorf Cemetery has pigs. Davis Cemetery has turkeys.

Turkeys don't pose a threat to humans, but they can be intimidating. If a person runs from one of the toms, the aggressive males will give chase, [Susan] Finkleman said. She's learned to sidle by the turkeys and avoid making eye contact with them.

But even if the turkeys never actually attack, their presence at the cemetery is untenable.

“Out of their own fear of the turkeys, someone could take a step backward and fall over a headstone and get hurt,” Finkleman said. [Link]

KCRA reporter Richard Sharp tried to get the other side of the story, but was rebuffed:

I've Never Been Boared at a Cemetery

A large cemetery south of Berlin has been overrun by wild boar.

Stahnsdorf cemetery has 120,000 graves, including some famous personalities including Werner von Siemens, the founder of the Siemens industrial group, and the artist Heinrich Zille.

The marauding boar didn't dig deep enough to uncover coffins, but they did ruin an area of 1,070 German wartime graves containing civilian victims of bombing raids and soldiers, said Ihlefeldt. They left a fenced-off section of British and Italian war graves untouched, however. [Link]

Advice for family historians planning a trip to Germany: When running from the wild pigs, be careful not to trip over the Nazi raccoons.

Cemetery Scavengers Not Welcome

Should you visit Graceland Cemetery in Mayville, Wisconsin, try to ignore the vultures and periodic explosions.

Ralph Smith, president of the Graceland Cemetery Association and head caretaker, said he has occasionally seen two or three pairs of turkey vultures nesting in the graveyard that dates back to the 1850s, but there are now about 60 of the birds on the ground, on headstones and in the trees.

Police are warning residents that an officer will fire bird bangers and screamer sirens twice a day to scare away turkey vultures that are roosting there. [Link]

[Yet again, thanks to Nancy!]

I Ain't Afraid of No Trespassing Citations

JoAnn Kolbus' picnic in an Oregon cemetery was interrupted by a scene from Ghostbusters.

A few minutes after arriving, an extremely belligerent, verbally abusive little man stormed the hill and shouted, “The gate’s closed! I called the police and they’re coming to arrest you!” Let’s call him the (self-appointed) Gatekeeper.

Being a family descendant, I had always had permission to visit at any time. I attempted to explain my connection and associated permission to the Gatekeeper, who called me a “filthy liar and a vandal.”

We waited for the deputy (let’s call him the Key Master), since we didn’t think we should leave the scene of the “picnic crime.” The (deputy) Key Master finally showed up and cited us for trespassing in the second degree. We felt totally slimed! [Link]

The 'V' Stands for 'Very, Very Stupid'

An intoxicated man somehow found himself trapped under a half-ton gravestone in Merrillville, Indiana, last weekend.

Both his legs were broken during the incident, and he was scheduled to undergo surgery on one of his legs, Merrillville patrol Officer Ray Smith said.

Smith said it took five officers to remove the heavy headstone from Schreiber's body, and the family name at the top of the headstone left its mark on the suspect, he said.

"The letter V (in the family name) left an imprint on Schreiber's thigh," Smith said. [Link]

Lawmakers Debate Use of Pit Bulls in Cemeteries

A bill granting South Carolinians access to relatives' graves on private property moved forward on Tuesday, despite some disagreement on the issue of immunity from liability for property owners.

Rep. Alan Clemmons, R-Myrtle Beach, said the S.C. Association of Realtors believes the immunity is necessary to balance property owners' rights. People should not be able to sue if they come in and trip over a gravestone, he said.

But the owner should not be allowed to release a pack of pit bulls while people are visiting and be held immune from damages, [Rep. Jim] Harrison said. [Link]

[Photo credit: Cuchlain by Cara Fealy Choate]

Sometimes They Fight Back

I must be slipping. I don't know how I missed reporting this in January—the latest in a string of tombstone attacks where revenge was clearly the motive.

Police in Lilburn, Ga., were called to the cemetery adjacent to Luxomni Baptist Church at 2:40 a.m. one morning in January to investigate reports of a man screaming for about two hours. They found Ezekiel Dejesus-Rodriguez, 24, pinned under a gravestone (with a bloody, broken leg) and said he had apparently been knocking over headstones for fun until one fell on him. [Link (original story (Thanks, John!))]

Bagged and Tagged

The council in Uckfield, East Sussex, has covered headstones deemed unsafe with "lurid coloured plastic bags and 'crime scene' style plastic tape announcing 'Danger Unsafe Keep Away.'"

A council spokesman said: 'Workman should be carrying out repairs later in the year.

'Our main priority when securing the graves was to ensure visitors safety but of course it is very regrettable if this has caused any distress.' [Link]

Nothing says "Danger Unsafe Keep Away" to small children like pretty pink bags and yellow ribbons.

Much Depends Upon Those Pens

Philip Devonald—town clerk at St. Neots, Cambridgeshire—blames the precariousness of gravestones in his town on stonemasons and their flimsy writing utensils.

"A lot of the falls we've had have been down to the stonemason, and they should be responsible for repairing the problem. Modern workmanship is a lot worse than in times gone by."

He added: "Stonemasons are supposed to put a metal spike into the grave to stop it falling over but sometimes we've found Biro pens being used instead of the metal rods." [Link]

And Please, No Tippling While Toppling

If you're like me, you live in constant fear that a headstone will tip over and crush you like a bug. That's why I always carry a ToppleTester from Pearson Panke Ltd.

ToppleTester is the most widely used topple-testing device in Europe, and has saved countless Britons from the embarrassment of being squished. Simply hold the ToppleTester against an unstable monument, and wait for it to topple. The load read-out will tell you how much force was necessary to destroy the only evidence of your ancestor's existence.

Warning: The ToppleTester is not intended for use on cows or other large farm animals.

Vandal Gets the Roodhouse Blues

A teenager was tipping tombstones in Roodhouse, Illinois, recently when one of his victims decided to fight back.

Authorities say it took four firefighters to lift a 600-pound gravestone off the 16-year-old boy's leg early Tuesday after he helped knock over that headstone and dozens others. [Link]

Running the Goat Gauntlet

Genealogist Lauri Gartner takes great risks when visiting her ancestors at the Essex Cemetery in Drury Township, Illinois. The yard lies "a half-mile off the main road, it's surrounded by corn fields and pasture and is barred by two cattle gates."

Once there, she often has to contend with sheep and goats grazing on the property. One recalcitrant animal ate the tabs off her license plate, causing her to have to make the nine-hour drive home with expired plates.

"I was buying apples, carrots and celery to make him be nice to me," she said. [Link]

Belgian Woman Starts Out Drunk, Ends Up Stoned

From Reuters:

Drunk woman dies in cemetery accident

Wed Sep 7, 2005 11:23 AM ET13

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - An inebriated Belgian woman died in a freak accident when she ended up beneath a heavy grave stone at a cemetery, local news agency Belga said Wednesday.

The 33-year-old was on her way home from a bar in the Belgian town of Pulle in the early hours of Saturday when she took a short cut through the cemetery.

But she urgently needed to relieve herself and crouched down between two gravestones. As she lost her balance, she grabbed one of the stones which gave way and landed on top of her.

The public prosecutor's office said she died of suffocation as she was unable to lift the heavy stone.

Next Time, Use the Gate

From The Saginaw (Mich.) News:

Woman found impaled on spike

Thursday, August 18, 2005

JOE SNAPPER
THE SAGINAW NEWS

A woman who spent hours in the company of the dead early today nearly joined them when a failed fence-hop at a Saginaw Township graveyard left her impaled on an iron spike, police said.

The 38-year-old woman was entering surgery at Covenant Medical Center about 7:15 a.m. Her body temperature had plummeted to 84 degrees and the 3-inch spike was inches from a main artery in her groin, police said.

[snip]

[Read the whole story]

Update (Aug. 19, 2005): The woman is recovering from surgery, while police and undertakers speculate as to her motives.

Graveyard Visit Leaves Woman With Sinking Feeling

From Edinburgh (Scotland) Evening News of Aug. 17, 2005:

Cemetery's unsafe headstones are toppled

GARETH ROSE

COUNCIL workers have toppled gravestones at a city cemetery after leaving problems with sinking graves neglected for several months.

[snip]

Denise Dickson was distraught when she discovered that the grave of her parents, Margaret and Matthew Fry, had been knocked down.

[snip]

Ms Dickson had become so concerned about the grave caving in that she had taken to refilling it herself, as well as complaining to the council.

She said the problem grew so bad that "I felt like I was above a big hole and I was going to disappear any minute and land with my mum and dad."

[snip]

[Read the whole story]

Only a pessimist would say these graves are sinking; an optimist would say the dead are rising.