How to Invent a Relative

Genealogical research can be really, really hard, but I've found a way to make it easy and fun. The trick is to create your relatives from scratch.

1. Give him a name — To avoid suspicion, don't use silly made-up names like "Kiefer" or "Barack."
   
2. Grab a picture of somebody else and make it look old — "Hey, my great-grandfather looked like Jack Nicholson!"
3. Borrow some good anecdotes — "Remember the time he shared a hot tub with Kissinger?"
4. Write fake news items about him — A couple of wedding announcements, an article on his DUI arrest and an obituary will put flesh on his artificial bones.
5. Give him a proper burial — You don't want this guy showing up at reunions, so make sure he's good and dead!

Update: Terry Thornton has shown incredibly poor judgment by actually following my advice.

Can't Argue With That Logic

This remarkable news was reported in Successful Farming magazine:

AFTER digging to a depth of 10 yards last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire 100 years old. This showed their ancestors already had a phone network more than a century ago.

NOT to be outdone by New Yorkers, California scientists dug down 20 yards in their state. A Los Angeles Times headline announced: ‘California archaeologists find 200-year-old copper wire — sign of an advanced high-tech network 100 years before New York.’

A WEEK later, the Ames Tribune in Iowa reported: ‘After digging 300 yards down in cornfields near here, self-taught archaeologist Ole Johnson reports finding nothing. Johnson concludes that 300 years ago, Iowa had already gone wireless. [Link]

Antarctic Ancestry, and More!

This issue of Family Tree Magazine is sure to be a collectors' edition.

Will Genealogy Ever Recover?

If your Lolcat allergies start acting up this week when you visit your favorite genealogy blogs, blame Janice.

No Lineage Over Linguine

Three legislators in Mississippi want to ban restaurants from serving obese people. Robert St. John proposes some additional legislation:

The Delta Heritage Law: HB 282D would require all citizens of the Mississippi Delta to limit their ancestral discussions to a minimum of 45 minutes per dining period. During the allotted time period, said genealogy buff may only go back four generations without receiving a warning citation. If subject traces his or her lineage all the way back to the Civil War during one meal period, a $75 fine shall be levied (Revolutionary War descendant discussions will result in mandatory jail time). This law also applies to relations' choice of college, which sorority their grandmother joined, and which tract of land their family owned 150 years ago. [Link]

Dinner With the Dunhams

Guest List
Lemuel Dunham — Chris' 3rd-great-grandfather.

Moses Dunham — Chris' 4th-great-grandfather, and father of Lemuel.

Samuel Dunham — Chris' 8th-great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather of Moses.

Deacon John Dunham — The immigrant ancestor, Chris' 9th-great-grandfather, and father of Samuel.

---

Chris: I'm glad you all could come tonight, what with the weather and all.

Lemuel: Not nearly as cold as 1816. Snow on the ground in June. Never been so cold.

Moses: Lord, what a pansy I raised! Why, when I served in the Continental Army—

Lemuel: There he goes with his "I'm a hero of the Revolution" bit. You know, you're not the only one who fought for his country.

Moses: That's right, I forgot about your days guzzling rum with the boys in the militia.

Lemuel: We saw some action!

Moses: Oh yes, you marched all the way to Portland in 1814 to thwart the British invasion. How did that turn out, Lem?

(Lemuel is silent.)

Moses: I'll tell you how it turned out. You spent two weeks marching and swilling liquor and never was a shot fired.

Lemuel (menacingly): Shut your mouth, old man.

Moses: You hear how he talks to me? If I hadn't been crippled in the war I'd have knocked some sense into you long ago. Why don't you tell them about your wife, Lem? Oh, she was a prize. Mother of a bastard and knocked up when you married her.

Lemuel: Don't you talk about my Molly that way! And you don't have to pretend you're crippled. There's no one here from the pension office.

Chris: Guys, please! You're making the other guests nervous!

Deacon John: Don't mind me, I've heard worse. You should have heard the rows we had back in Plymouth. Not a week went by that John and Priscilla Alden weren't throwing punches at each other. Chris, I must tell Abigail about this wonderful food. What do you call it?

Chris: Totino's Pizza Rolls.

Deacon John: Really, you must give her the recipe.

Chris: Sure ... Sam, are you feeling all right?

Samuel: Yes, yes, I must have the flu.

Deacon John: The flu? Are you sure it wasn't the eight beers you had on the ride over?

Samuel: It wasn't eight beers. Seven, maybe.

Deacon John: Yes, there's my pride and joy. All those years I spent as deacon of the Plymouth church, and he goes and gets himself excommunicated for being a drunkard. How do you think that makes me feel?

Samuel: I was never good enough for you!

Deacon John: Truer words were never spoken.

Samuel: Do you know how hard it was to measure up? You were a deacon, for God's sake! I don't know—maybe if you'd come on the Mayflower things would have been different.

Deacon John: I missed the boat! How many times do I have to explain that?

Samuel: Yeah, you missed the boat, all right. You could have been a "Mayflower Pilgrim." You could have been famous. I could have been famous!

Lemuel: Sam, be cool.

Samuel: Yeah, I'm OK.

Lemuel: Let's get out of here. There must be a bar open.

Samuel: Yeah, let's go.

(Samuel and Lemuel leave.)

Chris: Well, it looks like I'm out of pizza rolls.

Deacon John: Sorry.

Chris: No problem. I think I have some waffles in the freezer.

Deacon John (putting on his coat): Don't trouble yourself. I really have to be getting along.

Moses (also preparing to leave): Can I bum a ride?

Deacon John: You bet. So long, Chris!

Chris: Thanks for coming! Come back anyt—

(Door slams.)

A Genealogue Interview

Everyone seems to be interviewing TGN CEO Tim Sullivan these days, so I thought I should get in on the action.

The Genealogue: Thanks for taking the time to talk with me today.

Tim Sullivan: Who is this? How did you get my home number?

TG: Your company recently launched a DNA testing service in partnership with Sorenson Genomics. Do you do paternity tests as well?

TS: Listen, we just sat down to dinner...

TG: Because there's this girl—I swear I hardly know her, but she's got this kid...

TS: I really can't help you.

TG: I'm not saying the kid's not mine, but I'm not paying a dime in child support until—

TS: Okay, I'm hanging up now.

TG: So I should send my DNA directly to your house, huh?

TS: No!

TG: I wasn't sure which bodily fluid you guys test, so I'm sending some of each.

TS: I have Caller ID.

TG: Yeah, you can just call me back with the results. If a woman answers, hang up.

TS: click

TG: Mr. Sullivan? Tim?

Godzilla Genealogy Bop

Ever wonder how Ernest Borgnine is related to Godzilla? The stars of Mystery Science Theater 3000 explain:

A CAPITAL IDEA

YOU MIGHT HAVE NOTICED A CHANGE IN THE LOOK OF THE GENEALOGUE TODAY. I'VE RECEIVED SEVERAL COMPLAINTS OVER THE PAST FEW MONTHS THAT THE TEXT OF THIS WEBSITE IS TOO SMALL FOR THE AVERAGE GENEALOGIST TO READ—THE AVERAGE GENEALOGIST BEING ROUGHLY THE AGE OF THE AVERAGE GLAUCOMA PATIENT. I AM ALWAYS ATTENTIVE TO THE NEEDS OF MY READERS, AND THINK THAT THIS CHANGE WILL ACCOMMODATE THEM NICELY.

THE USE OF ALL CAPITAL LETTERS MAY HAVE THE UNINTENDED EFFECT OF MAKING EVERYTHING I WRITE SEEM URGENT. TO AVOID CONFUSION, FROM NOW ON ANY PASSAGE WHICH I INTEND TO EMPHASIZE WILL BE FOLLOWED BY MULTIPLE EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!

AS AN ADDED SERVICE TO ANY BLIND GENEALOGISTS WHO VISIT THIS BLOG, SELECTED TEXT FROM THE GENEALOGUE WILL ALSO BE AVAILABLE IN BRAILLE. IF YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR WAS MANUFACTURED AFTER 2004, IT SHOULD BE BRAILLE-READY. SIMPLY RUN YOUR FINGERS OVER THE FOLLOWING LETTERS TO READ A SPECIAL MESSAGE.

Let Your Relatives Get Under Your Skin

A new product from VeriSci Corp. promises to make finding cousins easier than ever. VeriSci is known for those tracking devices that allow pet owners to retrieve lost animals. The same technology is now being used on humans to store medical data, and—starting today—genealogical data.

A VeriSci press release describes how it works:

The GenTracker chip will be implanted under your skin in a painless procedure. Your doctor will upload your medical history, drug allergies, etc., leaving room for up to twenty generations of your family history. Using our software and any wireless-ready computer, a file in GEDCOM format may be quickly loaded into the subcutaneous memory chip.

What's really cool is the way the chip can interface with any computer on any wireless network. When you go to the library, your GEDCOM file will go with you. Hard drive crash? Your family tree is safe.

For a little more money, you can upgrade to a non-passive RFID GenTracker, with other cool features. The chip will detect any related person within 20 feet of you, and send out electronic pulses alerting you to his or her presence. (Of course, this will only work if both of you have GenTrackers implanted, and have uploaded your family trees.) The strength of the pulses will vary according to the degree of relation: a seventh cousin twice removed might barely register, while a sibling might cause your arm to twitch.

I don't know if I want to carry my family around with me everywhere (imagine the twitching at family reunions!), but this is certainly an exciting new way to combine my hobbies of genealogy and body mutilation.

[Image source]

Ask the Genealogue 5

Dear Genealogue,
I've always heard that I have Gypsy blood on my mother's side. How can I find out for sure?

Frances in Clanton, AL

Fill a paper bag with coffee grounds and hair clippings, and go out the night of the next full moon and bury it beneath a live oak tree. Sing the Gilligan's Island theme song three times while standing on one foot. Then spend the next few years engaged in intense genealogical research.

Dear Genealogue,
The 1870 census says my great-great-grandfather was "Dumb." What does this mean?

Stacy in Readstown, WI

That he could not speak. When people say it of you, they mean something else.

Dear Genealogue,
I've hit a roadblock with my genealogy. Is there an easy way to figure out a woman's maiden name?

Jen in Moncton, NB

Ask her father.

Dear Genealogue,
I've been a professional genealogist for 35 years, and I have to object to the advice you've been giving. Most of it is wrong, useless, or insulting, and a couple of your suggestions could lead to accidental dismemberment. What qualifies you to give advice about genealogy?

Tom in Caldwell, ID

I once mistook a Family History Center for a Burger King. Spent hours there waiting for a Croissan'wich. They were too polite to ask me to leave.

[tagged: genealogy, family tree, ancestry]

Ask The Genealogue 4

Dear Genealogue,
My local library won't allow me to photocopy a couple of fragile books, and there's too much information in them to copy by hand. How can I get the information I need without violating the library's policy?

Doug in Rockville, CT

First, buy yourself a digital camera. There are several affordable models available these days. Next, catch the head librarian in a compromising position — preferably something involving the mayor and his paper boy — and snap a few pictures. With these photos in hand, you should find the library's policies much more flexible on your next visit.

Dear Genealogue,
I'm stumped. My gr-gr-gr-grandfather seems to have dropped off the face of the planet sometime after the 1880 census. I can't find a death record or a gravestone, and I can't find him in any later census. Any ideas?

Stanley in Greeley, CO

Your ancestor may have changed his name to "Sally," joined a transvestite minstrel show which toured the western United States (to mixed reviews) in the late 19th century, and been beaten to death with a riding crop after inflaming the passions of a young Teddy Roosevelt.

Of course, this is just a guess.

Dear Genealogue,
What's the proper way to store daguerreotype photographs?

Nancy in Sacramento, CA

In a 350º oven.

tags: genealogy, family history, family tree

Ask The Genealogue 3

Dear Genealogue,
I've only been working on my genealogy for two weeks, and I've already hit a brick wall. All eight of my great-grandparents were born in Europe, but I can't afford to travel there. How can I continue my research?

Harold in Ottumwa, IA

Continuing your research is really unnecessary, and would just make your family tree more complicated. Besides, European research is — by definition — unAmerican, and might earn you a visit from the FBI.

Dear Genealogue,
I've gathered conflicting information on one of my relatives. Some records call her "Mary Elizabeth Nichols," and others "Elizabeth Mary Nichols." What should I call her in my family history?

Barbara in Winchester, MA

To prevent confusion, omit her from your family history entirely. Serves her right.

Dear Genealogue,
My 4th great-grandfather has the letters "G.A.R." on his tombstone. What does this stand for?

Loretta in Barre, VT

"Gamblers Anonymous Reject."

Dear Genealogue,
Could you look up Timothy Fleming of Dade County, Florida, in the 1920 census?

Paul in Sarasota, FL

Yes, I could.

tags: genealogy, family history, family tree

Ask The Genealogue 2

Dear Genealogue,
My husband spends all of his time on the computer working on his genealogy. I ask him if he still loves me, and he doesn't respond. What should I do?

Cherie in Bonney Lake, WA

Many genealogists refuse to respond to unsolicited requests for information. Try posting your query to a GenForum message board that he frequents.

Dear Genealogue,
I've finished writing my family history, and now I'm wondering how to index the married women — by their maiden names, by their married names, or by both?

Jack in Kalamazoo, MI

By their middle initials.

Dear Genealogue,
I've just found out that some of my ancestors were Jewish. What's the difference between a baptism and a bris?

Samantha in Alton, WV

Men don't cringe at a baptism.

Dear Genealogue,
There's a story in my family that one of my great-uncles served in Italy during World War I. How can I confirm this?

Nick in Findlay, OH

Read Ernest Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms. If your great-uncle isn't mentioned, you're out of luck.

Ask The Genealogue

Dear Genealogue,
I found out that my aunt Pauline has pictures of her grandparents — my great-grandparents — that I've never seen. I would love to borrow these and make copies, but she turns me down every time I ask. How can I convince her to share?

Dot in Racine, WI

The key to defusing a situation like this is communication. Assure your aunt that you will handle the photographs with care, and convince her of their importance to your research. Above all, treat her with the respect she deserves. And don't leave any bruises.

Dear Genealogue,
I've almost given up looking for my grandfather, John Smith, in the 1920 census. I know he was living somewhere in southern New England, but there were so many John Smiths living there that I can't be sure I've found the right one. Any tips?

Ralph in Glenside, PA

Tackling such a common name is difficult, but not impossible. Except in your case. Either abandon this line of inquiry, or find a more accommodating grandfather.

Dear Genealogue,
I've heard that the last names of some passengers were changed by immigration officials at Ellis Island. Is this true?

Mandy in Tulsa, OK

No, it's a myth. Their names were changed at a newspaper stand in Grand Central Station.

Dear Genealogue,
I have an extremely faded document handed down on the Jewish side of my family for twelve generations. What's the best way to read it?

Aaron in Brooklyn, NY

From right to left.

What About O. J.?

From Brainsnap:

No Relation to Homer, says Jessica Simpson

Submitted by Nikolai Stephens on 25 September, 2005

Los Angeles, CA - Famed starlet Jessica Simpson held a special press conference today in order to deny any rumors of her relation to cartoon celebrity Homer Simpson.

[snip]

The blonde reality television star and amateur pop singer told press that she'd been dumbfounded to learn she was not related to Homer Simpson.

"Just like everyone else, I'd assumed that if we had the same name, we were obviously related!"

[snip]

[Read the whole story]